Stripped Off My Innocence

On our first ever date, I took along a notebook.

N- “We can’t kiss before our wedding day”
R-“I don’t intend to kiss you before then”

And that sealed that. (Going on ‘dates’ has never been our thing since, because I believe in investing vs spending.)

We never struggled with the temptation to kiss;
Never put ourselves in compromising situations(together ALONE);
Never found ourselves in a place that made us consider revising the contract.

Thing is, I had known for a while that it was going to be him. We had both known- individually. But, there’s this thing of finally having what you always wanted, and then being almostoperative word here is almost– scared to take it… because then the next chapter begins, and what’s in that chapter? More test? Higher level of challenges.

Before Robbie officially asked me to be his Girlfriend, I knew that was going to happen. I always joke and say God reveals all the secrets to me. Our courtship was no different. I knew everything before it happened. And then I wept for about two days. It may sound silly, but I was scared that it wasn’t going to be just me and God. I kinda wanted it back- the times spent praying for the ONE I wanted Him to choose for me, not knowing who it would be.All of a sudden it felt safer doing that. Now, I was going to have someone else be an active part of my life, and the answered prayer was now a scary thing. I remember sobbing in prayer, saying it wasn’t going to be “just me and Jesus anymore”. Weird, I know.

The night before our wedding, I cried again. I remember talking to my father outside my parent’s home. His voice broke as he asked me if there was anything else I wanted for ‘tomorrow’ (our wedding day). Reflecting on my past relationship with my father, how hard it had been just longing for intimacy with him, and now seeing his voice break as he asked me to literally ‘name whatever I wanted?’…. UNREAL. Add that to the fact that 8 years before, I dedicated to praying for my future Husband. Some imposters came along the way and God mercifully pulled me out really fast; just so I could experience the manifestation of the prayers I had been praying. And now it was here…. all happening! Gratitude for it all, made me really cry. First of all, you NEVER need to give me a reason to cry. And now that there were actual reasons.

Answered prayers scare me. Kind of. Simply because I feel like life is a never-ending series of challenges. Just one you begin to settle into one answered prayer, God probably goes “oh, time for your next test before you get too comfortable!” lol.

So after the pruning, and the churning, and the refining, when I finally see the evidence of my desire, I feel like it’s going to cost me a bit more to own my answered prayer. But really, it’s that God’s story for each of us reveals a purpose. And I learn that it’s His way of keeping us fully dependent on Him. A purpose for His Glory. So life isn’t so much about ‘catching a break’, as it is about the fulfillment and manifestation of God’s purpose.

I always take a step back and match my life to Jesus’. First of all, Jesus was God in the form of man on earth.

Born in a manger. Disreputable, but that begun His life on earth. A life that fulfilled a greater purpose that had already been crafted by God.

Crucified in the most disrespectful way. But again, that didn’t take away from the fulfillment of the divine purpose crafted by God.

And today, we are because of Him. We don’t recall how big or small the manger was. We don’t recall how pathetic He looked on the cross, or how mean the Romans were to have crucified Him. We remember, that He gave, so that we could be. We are, because God gave! And Jesus surrendered to that purpose here on earth.

But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. 

Job 23:10

For the sake of that purpose,  I urge you to please wait. Wait, and commit to prayer. Every longing, every need, every wish… cry it out to God in prayer because those prayers are an investment. One that WILL sustain through the unimaginable times.

People have asked me what Marriage is like. And I usually love to share somewhat of a valuable takeaway whenever I’m asked about courtship, marriage and now, motherhood….actually, any question at all.

If you stopped reading here, here’s what I would want you to walk away with – knowing that you know that you know the one, doesn’t exempt you from from the challenges of marriage. However, it gives you the peace, assurance and certainty to walk through whatever comes your way. And that’s a money-back guarantee surety.

This Peace “is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ.”

Peace. Trouble. Christ. Love. Forgiveness. Letting Go.

These are words I have battled with in the past year, aka my first year of marriage:

Many many days when my Husband and I have yelled at each other, and I have felt like he was being unreasonable;

When I have literally wondered what I just got myself into;

When I have literally wanted to run away back home;

One thing remains- I know that my marriage to this man is not a mistake. I am in the marriage God purposed for me. My prayers then, are grounding me now. And for me, that has been my favorite part of this journey- The investment in prayers that fuels me in days I happen to feel uncertain. That has kept me grounded.

My Husband’s mum burnt my pieces of cloth on the day of our traditional marriage.

And I wouldn’t care about that because it’s just cloth….BUT! that was just an opening to reveal exactly what mindset she had about me. I’m not sure if it hurt more that it took me almost 5 years to find that out, or that she wasn’t even sorry. Well, in her defense, she claims The Lord asked her to do so as a sacrifice on behalf of her son… who “was trying to be someone he’s not to be accepted in my family”. And that’s between her and God. 

My Husband isn’t perfect; and he would never claim to be. He has this way of owning up to his faults and apologizing for them that will leave you feeling defeated. So when a Man of God so dear to my heart, called me a few days after our wedding to tell me: ‘DO NOT let external family ruin your marriage’, I still don’t know why it never hit me that my greatest test in year 1 was going to come from ‘external family’.

Truth is, the cool part of all this is that God told me. What else is new? Remember when I said God finds a way of revealing all the secrets to me?

Well, here goes! I’m going to tell you all about how hard forgiveness turned out to be for me… just a year after thinking MY family would be my greatest test of forgiveness. 🙂 

To be continued…

In Love, Nana

“If with courage and joy we pour ourselves out for Him and for others for His sake, it is not possible to lose, in any final sense, anything worth keeping. We will lose ourselves and our selfishness. We will gain everything worth having.”

Elisabeth Elliot

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