One Saturday, while driving to the farmers market, Robbie randomly reached for my hand in the back seat, and while rubbing my hand, he asked me:
‘Do you ever sometimes think to yourself …like….’thank God we’re married?’
Me: mmm, yeah. You?
Him: oh yes, everyday. What makes you think that?
Me: when I cook up a storm and make so many dishes, looking forward to you washing them.
We both laughed out loud.
I think that’s the most unromantic, un-heartfelt answer I’ve ever given in all of my adult relationship life. But honestly, I meant what i said at the time.
I want to be sure to say ‘THANK YOU!!!’ to everyone who has reached out to ask ‘are you okay?’ after learning about this ridiculous ‘Robbie’s mom saga’.
If you’ve read even a half of my blog, you would know that I have the ‘insistent on what God said’ type of faith. So when God tells me about a husband that will incredibly love me, i settle for no one, AND WAIT for that Husband. But also, I need Him to show me in a way that has no connection to my feelings…. so I know it’s real (just to sound cliché)
But I believe the in-betweens are also very necessary and worth sharing. For others who are growing in faith; who are also believing God for same. So they know that there ARE indeed the valleys of the shadows of death. And we will go through them. But ours is to ‘fear no evil. For He is with us’
If you follow me on Instagram, you already know this:
I have been standing in faith with the Sherbondy (@lindsayletters.co @dugansherbondy) family who is dealing with an unfortunate incident of their daughter, Eva’s, TBI after a really, seemingly minute fall.
Lindsay, Eva’s mom, said something via her stories; and I paraphrase ‘ we are believing. And we haven’t lost hope. We believe in God’s miracle. But also, the middle part, the waiting part really sucks!’ She said she didn’t just want to share the accident, then boom! Eva’s miraculous healing! Then everyone just thinks ‘wow, that was so awesome! God is great!’- without knowing how it felt to be in the ‘waiting room’.
That resonated with me. I have always had that mindset.
I never want to only show the perfect side of my relationship with my Husband. Behind the beautiful forevers, I want to show the in-betweens of how we fought and endured to get to the beautiful forever. (P.S did you know this blog was first named behind beautiful forevers? I’m kind of having withdrawal symptoms and regretting letting it go)That in no way means we are a miserable couple living a miserable married life, or we’re faking the good days. The great days are great! But we haven’t always had them, and no one is perfect without God.
So anyways, thank you for checking in. The hard days are mostly over. ‘Over’, in the sense that I have drawn boundaries that work for ME and my emotional and mental wellbeing…. while being sensitive to the Spirit of God. The saddest thing would be that I get overly emotional about all of this, and then just miss the whole Christian part.
I finally say ‘FOR ME’ with so much pride, because literally for 5 years+, including months after my blogpost, sharing what happened, I kept going back to show or i guess try to prove something. Prove that I’m over it? Prove that she doesn’t have that much of an effect on me?You know what? I don’t know really. But also, when someone proves to you time without number that they have decided to not appreciate your kindness, or open their eyes to see your good, can I just say I learn from a courteous God to NOT force myself on them.
I guess all in a silly bid to prove to myself that I had really forgiven, even when all of my emotions didn’t feel like going by to visit, I would always tell Robbie- ‘I don’t like how I feel when I go by to visit your mother, but I’m doing it for you’. ‘For you’, ‘for you’, ‘for you’. Visit after visit. That is what I’d say while heading out. I didn’t want Robbie to be hurt, or feel caught up between us in all this; but also,I always ended up coming home upset, sad, questioning myself, pressurizing myself…
‘Maybe if I spoke a little more german’
‘Maybe she hears from God, and I’m really not humble, and I am controlled by a ‘demonized’ family.’
‘Maybe I’m just being nit-picky, and really need to let things go.’
I always ended up blaming myself. Always telling myself to change this, and try another visit.
HOWEVER, the straw that broke the camel’s back was that, it all ended up wrecking my relationship with Robbie.
[please note that the next paragraph is what all ran through my mind, and what I FELT. So no one thinks this is an open letter fighting my husband lol]
It all turned into resentment TOWARDS him. Because now, I began to sit back and realize and say to myself ‘this guy has never been on my side’. I keep saying ‘I’m only doing this for you’ but what are you doing for me? What have you ever done for me concerning this family fiasco, as a matter of fact. I didn’t care about ‘man of a few words’ because when you now have a wife!!! and a family!!! and you see the toll all of this this is evidently having on YOUR FLESH, the week after week after week MENTAL dilemma,… I’m sorry but throw that ‘reserved’, ‘man of few words’ story out the window. Don’t tell me about being torn. Because I never asked him to choose me over anyone. I asked to know that he is FOR me! I cried myself to sleep countless nights. My skin was horrible. My appetite was out of whack. All while navigating motherhood for the first time.
I spent (3 months short of) 5 years, standing up to my family in the name of love! My father didn’t like Robbie AT ALL when he met him. I went through my very large family, making sure no one uttered a bad word about him or his family.
Not to brag, but when I say I never gave Robbie reason to feel as though my family would come before him at any point in our lives, I mean it. And i say it because I know that’s what i did.
But now, here I was in the middle of this saga, and I’m reflecting, and I’m connecting the dots, and I’m not seeing the same EVER done for me. Ever! He’s just always allowed it to happen. Allowed her to say whatever. While he sat and stared. While I walked out in tears, and all he could do was open the gate for me to leave. And to be honest, i feel like 6 years worth of ‘whys’ and resentment caught up with me, and it was rough!!!
When I say my flip was night and day? it totally was! laugh out loud. I was in the marriage, but I definitely wasn’t present. I know I didn’t feel in love with Robbie. Anyone who knows me, knows that when I commit to something? It’s all me till the wheels fall off. (My diet and lifestyle – a very clear case in point)
But just like a mudslide, my commitment kept going down down down. I was like a water heater turned off. Running from hot to straight cold. So when I said my ‘thank God we’re married moment’ was him doing the dishes, I meant it.
Every time I would see Robbie, it was pure annoyance. I felt like the secret relationship. Why were the I love yous, and I’m on your sides only said when we were in our bedroom? And not when your mother would rain derogatory words at me?
I read that there is something called ‘excitement hangover’. I think that’s what I felt. And I also felt blindsided. For 4 years and 9 months of courtship, while I did the utterMOST to prove my commitment to your family, all your mom was able to perceive was that I was a proud demonic spirited girl with a demonic spirited family, here to show off. And show off what?? My almost 13 year old car? And come to find out, he was aware of all this. Why did you never once say, I’m with this girl all the time and she isn’t like that?! At least something?!! If my family still ended up hating Robbie, I always knew I was committed to showing him that I was for him!! From the very first day I knew ‘he was the one’, I knew I was ready to do my part in ensuring that he knew I was on his team.
Now I’m sitting here, 5 years later, and after a year of marriage, literally thinking to myself: ‘What do you get in all this?’
You know how you know God’s ‘I told you so’ or ‘you know what to do’ is staring at you in the face before you even say “Heavenly Father…”, ugh, that was me. This was literally the prophecy! ‘DO NOT LET EXTERNAL FAMILY CAUSE YOU TO RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE’. Hello prophecy staring right at me in the face.
When Robbie would ask what he could do to make it better, my answer -without fail- was I DON’T KNOW! I just didn’t care to figure things out. I didn’t care to think about solutions. All of our lives, I have always been in solution mode. Now? I honestly did NOT care. I never said it out, but in my mind, I wanted to say “It’s YOUR turn to problem solve!”
So everyone who is loving ‘Sunday Chef’ series on my Instagram? Guess what? SUNDAY CHEF is what begun a healing journey- A healing journey between Robbie and I. When I told him I didn’t know what I wanted him to do about everything that was happening, he went ahead and prayed about it. And he says this is what God laid on his heart to do. I had nothing to do with it.
The other ‘demon identifying’ people? they are exactly what the prophecy said- EXTERNAL. When I’m willing AND able, I will visit. But I’m not going to do anything FOR anyone anymore. During one of our Sunday dinners, while I prayed over our food, without thinking, I prayed “Thank you, Father, for bringing us healing through Robbie’s cooking on Sundays”. He retorted a loud and hearty AMEN! lol. That’s when I actually realized what I said.
But also, I really meant it. After what seemed like a WHILE, we were talking, about food (something we both love), and just being together. The food is really good! It feels really good. It’s been really good! Sometime last week, while mildly disagreeing on something, Robbie goes “I LOVE MARRIAGE! You know? something goes wrong, you work on it. I love it!” lol.
You know what? He’s right? Totally right.
“Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” -Mark 10:9 says
We learnt this at counseling – ‘man’ in the scripture represents me and my Husband, before any mother, father, aunty, cousin, sister! No one has the permission to put my marriage asunder without my permission. SO If indeed I let my marriage go because of one woman’s actions, I don’t think she would be to blame! God would ask ME! He would ask Robbie! Because no matter what, we are the custodians of our marriage. Not her. Or anyone else for that matter.
I am thankful! Thankful for God’s mercies and kindness that is absolutely bringing joy and peace and complete LOVE! Who knows what lies ahead? But I am devoted to shutting out external noises, and building the family God has given me. And also, I can’t lie -Robbie is one incredible, amazing, fantastic human. I may only want to throw him out the window, maybe just 3-4 times a week!
And I’d like to encourage any and everyone going through “IT” (whatever it may be) to “trust in the Lord
with all you’ve got, and lean not on your own understanding! If there’s anything we have always had, it’s an open space for sincere conversation. I made sure Robbie knew how I felt every step of the way. Most importantly, I told God EVERYTHING! When I couldn’t pray it, I wrote it. “I don’t like it here (in this marriage) anymore”. I said that. “I don’t feel like praying about my marriage right now” I wrote that. But God is kind. He knows what we need, even when we don’t. And so long as we depend on Him, He directs our path to HIS BEST- not our feelings. Thank God for God!
So YES! Hallelujah! God is Good! The in betweens are always the best part of the story!
Always in Love,