I went into that family with the purest of hearts. I loved every single one genuinely and looked forward to getting to know them even more. I had sat with her JUST a week before our wedding and we had laughed and had our chit-chat, hugged and kissed goodbye. I remember sensing that she had an untrue mindset about me and my family that day. But quickly she turned so sweet, and I said a silent prayer of forgiveness for ever thinking this woman thought wrong of me.I even told Robbie I felt so bad thinking she was being mean. And now in just a short week, I was labelled the prideful girl who was trying to lure her son into vanity with my family’s money.
I’d say what she took from me the most, was my innocence- my ‘naive’ nature of thinking everyone sees your heart when you do something genuine for them. She took the joy I entered my marriage with, so unexpectedly. Or, at least I let her. Because now there was a freeze on everything surrounding my Husband’s family. And also a huge disappointment in myself for thinking they would be the angel in-laws as compared to mine. To find that the very people I thought the world of, thought much less of me… yes it rocked my entire year.
Our apartment choice was centered around being close to my Husband’s family for their help in raising ours. Because no one in mine has the time. But in true God fashion, He switched up on me. I believe I was more hurt knowing that my heart was misjudged, and I was not even given a chance to explain myself… although I had always been myself.
We could be having the time of our lives, and the mention of his family was enough to mess up our entire day! So many times, I looked at him like he was a part of the problem. Because Robbie’s mother has been so instrumental in a lot of who he is and how he thinks, I honestly felt so helpless in doing my part to help him unlearn some mindsets.
For 8 years, not only did I pray for a Husband of God’s purpose, I prayed for the family I would be marrying into. So my faith was tested. I felt as if God has this thing of giving us half the package. I didn’t know how to pray because everyday I stared at my Christianity in the face; asking myself if I would really make it to heaven if I died this day. And I knew I wouldn’t, because it was so hard to let this go.
I knew there was something I had to do for MYSELF and MY salvation. And I knew what I had to do. It was just hard.I would go to church and all my questions would be centered around how to forgive- how to forgive someone who isn’t sorry!
What had to be the best year of my life (marriage, sweet baby on the way) turned out to be my greatest test by far.You wonder how such a thing as small as burning my cloth, could unravel so much and cause such havoc. But it had to take that.
We always write down our expectations for the new year. This year, a heart of forgiveness was FIRST on my list. And today, as I was nursing our baby at dawn and reading my Husband’s sweetest birthday message to me, I felt that prayer FINALLY, FULLY answered. I have let it go. I don’t feel the hurt any longer. I thought of writing to her to let her know that, but I wonder if it’s a good idea? (what do you all think?)
In reading my Husband’s birthday message to me, I was beautifully reminded that all my years of praying for this man, for this life, were/are not in vain. There is not a thing that anyone can tell me to dissuade me from my belief that prayer changes things.
I stare at my answered prayer in the face everyday, knowing that NOW is all that counts. But the devil knows that too. So he tries to take the now from you. And he will, if you let him.
6 years ago, if you asked me what I wanted, I’d have a list of all the designers I wanted to own. Today, not at all. My Husband, our sweet kid, our marriage as we figure out the sweetness of God’s heart for us, that’s all I want- it’s all I have ever wanted.
‘I’ll take the gift He has bestowed, and humbly ask for more’.
So yes, today is my birthday! And I feel it in a whole, beautiful new way! My heart is free, and lighter! I feel brand new. Motherhood has made me so much better. But today, as I start a new year, I feel it; it IS a NEW YEAR! And I am so so grateful for this answered prayer of a heart of forgiveness, and this burden lifted off of me.
This past weekend was Easter; and Easter is my favorite time of the year. So this all comes together beautifully. I do feel resurrected. And while I know there’s a greater test ahead, -operative word being KNOW- I am ready. Ready to say my prayer in the garden -even through agony, ready to take up my cross, ready to choose God’s purpose over my feelings. Because, that was the life of Jesus.
If He gladly chose surrender, SO WILL I
So Will I – Hillsong.
Happy Birthday to me! Looking forward to all that’s to come, because God is Good, and it is well in Jesus’ Name, Amen!
In Love, Nana.