If I could sum up this blog post in one paragraph, it would be this paragraph from one of my favorite songs:
Why are we so convinced a bigger audience
Is simply common sense to have?
Maybe success is measured best
By nothing less than our obedienceSo if I’m destined for a small stage
The small crowds and the small pay
Then maybe even in a small way
I can bring You fame“The Reason I Sing”-Jimmy Needham
Yesterday at church, my Pastor said something so simple, yet amazingly profound, that got me thinking more about a topic I’ve been mulling over for a while.-
“You can only approve what is authentic”
He went on to say, “if I see someone in a beautiful dress, and I go on to comment on the beauty of the dress, my comment is NOT what makes the dress beautiful. The dress IS already beautiful. My eyes simply agree with what already is!”
Now I’m just going to let that sink in.
Time and again, I get asked why I don’t talk more about Robbie and I not kissing a whole 4 years 9 months before our wedding…. “how did you do it?”
While I may not have the perfect answer to this question, I’ll share with anyone desiring to do it right. Before this no sex, no kissing ‘thing’ became a trend, I honestly only thought of it as the right and necessary thing to do. But this is also based on the path I set myself on. Here’s the decision that changes everything: I didn’t choose not to kiss Robbie. I desired to kiss no-one but my Husband. My decision didn’t start with Robbie. My decision started with wanting to do right before God. It didn’t matter if it was going to be 6 months or 5 years. It didn’t matter if it was Robbie, or Mr. X. It had to be God’s choice. All I wanted was to ONLY get intimate with my Husband; and to me, that’s no hugging and rubbing, kissing, and of course sex. If it last more than 2 minutes and makes me feel all mushy and warm to a point where my mind is going places, we need to pray it away.
My most read blogpost is the one I talk about how my promise hit a terribly rough patch. It didn’t go all smooth, and I happened to end up in a silly mess of a situation.I have written about how I openly told him that I HATED when he kissed me.. It was the one time, one big mistake and only other situation (i don’t even like to call it a relationship),and that lasted 4 (or was it 5?) months. Then I said to myself never again! I had always said I would never kiss anyone until my Husband on my wedding day. So I can’t even begin to describe how disappointed I was in myself, and how disgusted I felt every time someone would kiss me for their pleasure.
Not kissing was my normal. And now here I was with someone giving me a philosophy about how a relationship without physical affection was doomed, and therefore wanting his way with a kiss. And I LET HIM, no matter how odd that was to me.
Now, I am not holier than Thou, and would never claim to be, but the way my journey with Christ has always been set up, its all or nothing. After my joke of a 4 month situationship, my now Pastor placed what he called an ‘embargo’ on me. Meaning I was not allowed to ‘date’. So for me, that meant, NO means NO till Jesus himself hands me a man.
In High School, my form Mistress (Miss Parker) [putting you on the spot here, Miss P] told my class about a book called “I kissed dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris[MUST READ]. I literally purchased the book 2 days after I got home for the holidays and dove straight into it! J. Harris talks about Eric and Leslie Ludy, who to me, are one of THE most laid-back, down to earth, gorgeous couples I could ever read about! 13 years later, I am still praying I get to meet them in person. [Dear God :)].
I wouldn’t consider myself saved in that season; I was just a 16 year old girl challenged by her form mistress to find out what a book was all about. And that’s how my journey started. I just read about, and saw pictures and videos about the beauty of purity, and I desired that. In my innocent, little mind, it was simply, “this is so beautiful. God, I want that. How can I get that?” My Teen Bible, (anyone else owned a true images Bible?) that doubled as my dairy with letters to God, was the closest I could get to a personal relationship with God. Yes, I prayed; yes, I went for Bible fellowship; yes, I could memorize and recite bible verses (always been good at that), but did I know Christ as my Lord and personal Savior? I wouldn’t say so.
I was simply a girl who wanted a husband who would hold her hand in the car while he sat in the front seat, and I at the back, like Eric did with Leslie. I was just a girl who wanted a guy who would meet my parents first thing before getting any closer as a “friend, who really likes me” I was just a girl who had never dated, but didn’t have any interest because Joshua Harris “kissed dating goodbye”. I was just a girl, and this was my reality.
And you know what? Looking back now, maybe I had to veer off that road a little bit to realize I needed to be a lot more strong-willed at “kissing dating goodbye”.
I needed to do a lot more than sitting there like a statue for a boy to convince me that either he kissed me, or we’re done. I needed to let go of that stupidity (not naivety) of thinking that just because I wanted my first boyfriend to be my Husband, didn’t mean I had to stay. He was a mistake, and I needed to admit that for God to perfect His good work in me.
I needed to experience that boldness of walking out, and I needed to learn to stand my ground all those times at 12:00am when I would be called, and sweet talked about how we needed to get back together. Even when he almost had me with all those emotions, I needed to firmly say “I honestly had no business starting with you in the first place”.
If I really wanted Joshua Harris’s reality? and if I really wanted to be the Leslie to someone else’s Eric, I needed to learn what it meant to actually kiss dating goodbye.
I have never been one to care for trends. And my intent has never been to do it for likes, or to be recognized. Here’s my take: if there were no likes, no pretty pictures to display, I would still do it. I’m not going to make a whole social big deal of us not kissing, simply because there is a lot God requires of me as a daughter of Christ. Purity is one of them. It is required of me. Not for likes, or followers. God requires that of me, while I strive to be perfected in other things. My desire, and my goal is to do what Jesus wants. This is the man I have been praying for. Now, what does God require of us? I am not not having sex because of a 30 or 60 or 90 day rule. I’m not going to take up a whole stage to receive some accolades just because I didn’t kiss my now Husband for 3 months short of 5 years. There’s more The Lord requires of me. God’s right is Non-Negotiable.
For right is right, since God is God,
And right the day must win;
To doubt would be disloyalty,
To falter would be sin.
Compromise isn’t a word in my dictionary. Because God’s Truth doesn’t mention compromise/meeting halfway. If we are compromising, whose standard really are we compromising on? ours? or God’s?
Like, we can touch each other but not too much? We can fondle but only for x minutes? We can kiss but no sex? It’s not about any of that. Rather, ask yourself: “Why do I want to kiss you but not have sex with you?” “Why kindle the flame when you don’t want to start the fire?” “What really is my motive?”
We are ‘praying for the Man”, and we are going to God with the list, and we are holding off of sex before marriage. But is that really worth the attention? How great is praying for the man, only to be lustful in the relationship. Does God really approve that? by the Word? And how good is the list, if, again, we are lustful. Isn’t that compromise? Is there, therefore, compromise in God’s word? And how great is holding off of sex, if we are satisfying our personal lustful desires with the kisses, and touching, and fondling? What is no sex worth, if i’m arousing the same feelings with a kiss?
“Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, “Why are you thinking these things in your hearts?” – Luke 5:22
Purity shouldn’t be mistaken for a no-sex rule. And Purity shouldn’t be about how long you went without a kiss or sex. Purity isn’t a social badge of honor. Let’s get is straight- It’s doing what is expected of us by God. And if by His will, just like the Titus 2 woman, He should position you on a stage to build up other women, so be it in Jesus’ Name. But until then, let’s not put the wrong focus on what is meant to be right. Let’s not command social acceptance on what is expected of us by God.
Always in Love,