A few days ago I had a dream. That I was in the midst of many people- some sort of gathering?-when I suddenly found myself alone. Physically alone, and alone with my thoughts.
I looked down at something I was holding (can’t remember what) and said to myself: ‘I feel so much better about myself when I forgive others. It’s about pleasing God, not me. So I don’t have to hold offenses close to heart.’
And then I woke up.
If you’ve read my blogpost stripped off my innocence, you know that the one thing i struggled with this past year, was forgiveness. It’s easy to forgive just anybody. But when the hurt comes from someone you have genuinely loved, to whom you’ve given of yourself, it’s just not that easy. I mentioned how i woke up on my birthday feeling lighter; feeling like I’d been finally dipped into the Grace of forgiveness. It felt good!
It felt so good I wanted to write her a letter letting her know the impact of what she did to me, my marriage, and how my first year of marriage was somewhat messed up because of what she did. But my dear cousin pointed out to me how unnecessary that was. And she’s right! It’s my duty as a Christian to let go, and love. And i don’t owe anyone a report on how I’m mastering that by God’s Grace.
The weekend of Mother’s Day, we paid Robbie’s family a visit. And to be completely honest, I quickly wished I had just stayed home. I literally said to myself: ‘why do you even bother, Nana. Why do you?’ If there’s anything I dislike, it’s the expression ‘that’s how he/she is’. As though said person doesn’t deserve the visitation of God to be changed also. But even more, i would hate to be the one so caught up in someone’s past that I’m unable to see what God is doing in their lives in the present.
I ran myself through all these lines, when we decided to visit his family. But, man, it’s just something about the words she utters, the way she thinks…
To be honest, it makes it really hard for me to look happily into a future with my Husband. Not because he’s a horrible person. If you’ve followed this blog enough, you would know that Robbie is honestly amazing. His upset, shouting voice is my everyday voice. He loves peace and would do anything to keep a peaceful home. But also, just like me and possibly anyone else, a huge part of his mindset is rooted in his upbringing. The same way I wake up and pray each day, that God gives me everything it takes to raise His child He has given me in His ways,… his mother has great influence over his life.
I have found Robbie’s family (with the exception of his dad) to very critical of others who aren’t like them. And it’s like running into a wall. Because you say nothing, you’re misjudged’. You say little, you’re misjudged. You say a lot, same. It’s frustrating to want to be better and give your very best, when all the other person wants to do is misjudge you.
I know, I know. ‘You can’t control others’ opinion of you. You can control the way you react’. On paper, I would ‘yes and amen that’. In person, it’s painful, it’s trying, it’s confusing and frustrating. Because I want to go toHeaven. I want to pass this test.
And it’s scary to think I’ll always be connected to all this.
But hey! Love suffers long and is kind. Long suffering. What does it mean to me? It means patience -even when desired expectation isn’t met. It means forbearance. It means keeping at what is right, no matter how much of a waste it’s beginning to look like. It’s the fruit of The Spirit. ‘The gift reveals the giver. The fruit reveals the bearer’. What I give off, represents who I am. And I am a Son of God. And so I need to give what He has placed in me.
‘…. and is kind’. Gentle. Meek. ‘Of good disposition’. That’s kindness to me. If I have love, I must have kindness. The Bible doesn’t give any buts when it comes to Love. Love Is. that’s it.
And in learning to be what God is to me every second of every day, i am finding more meaning to life. I need to be hurt bad, to understand the true meaning of forgiveness. To know Grace, and extend Grace. And though uncomfortable, I’m actually okay with it. I see myself growing. I see myself openly saying I really don’t like you, but I have to love you. And that’s progress for me. This season is shaping me into who I’ve always actually wanted to me. Focusing on nothing else, but who God wants me to be. I know He has seen me through. I know I need to pass this test. And seeing myself in a dream mouth those thoughts, I know God has done a good, good work in me. Now, I need to manifest it.
So here’s me, encouraging you, to let go! It’s not easy! Even if the other party isn’t sorry. Even if they always have a strong comeback. You know what? Take it to God. He is the Author, and also, Perfecter of our faith. So if there’s any fine tuning to be done in you and I, better Him that anyone else.